The following article is satire, not reality. Mostly.
Thursday night in downtown San Francisco, a fundraiser was held to raise bail money for James Hackett, a prominent local feminist activist. Hackett is being held on sexual battery charges, after one of his students alleged he groped her at an event on campus. Hackett faced similar accusations in the 1990s, but the woman did not want to press charges.
Organizing the fundraiser were Hackett’s colleagues, friends, and members of Sluts for Justice, a pro-slut legal group that fights for all things law- and slut-related. A spokeswoman for Sluts for Justice, Anne Vincent, explained why the group got involved: “He’s just such a great guy. He’s helped us out so much, and we just wanted to repay the favor. I mean, the girl who says he did this… she probably just wasn’t as open about her sexuality as James is, and that confused her. He’s really knowledgeable about sexuality and stuff.” When Radish News asked Vincent if she knew about the past accusations against Hackett, she replied, “Yeah, I heard something about that, but he apologized. He seemed really sorry. His blog post about it even had a shirtless photo of him looking really sad. He’s suffered enough.”
On the sidewalk outside of the event, a small group of women wearing sensible shoes held a protest against James Hackett. “He’s done this before. I’m not surprised,” one woman said. A few people attending the fundraiser got into a heated exchange with the protesters, shouting that the protesters should “leave the poor baby alone!” A man offered some constructive advice to the protestors, saying that maybe more people would listen to them if they wore only bras and miniskirts and wrote misogynistic slurs across their bellies. At his suggestion, there were several hearty guffaws.
The event raised more money than was required, and bond was posted for Hackett on Friday morning. Outside of the jail, we approached Hackett and his attorney in the parking lot. “I’m just so glad to be out of there so I can get back to teaching and giving back to Sluts… for Justice. You know, that group?” Hackett continued, “They raised more money than was even needed, and they’re just going to give the rest to me in cash. I couldn’t believe it. Sluts are so great!” He also confirmed that he wants to get back to teaching as soon as possible. “I can’t wait to be back in the classroom, to be surrounded by all those trusting, impressionable young women. They’re so eager to learn about feminism. I’m so glad to be the one who gets to teach them. And now I’ll have my first-hand experience to discuss when we start our next unit on how the legal system favors males.”
Hackett was surprisingly chatty when asked about his past. “Yeah, I totally almost got caught that last time too, but —” At this point, Hackett’s attorney interrupted and walked to the car with his client.
Hackett is scheduled to appear in court next week, but some have speculated that the charges won’t stick due to Hackett’s extreme sliminess.